Coping

Being a mum of three children is not easy. If we're honest being a human being in this World isn't easy. My journey to motherhood was a rocky one. I suffered multiple miscarriages before discovering I have a Balanced chromosome translocation. A condition which means my propensity for recurring miscarriages was and is 1 in 4. I suffered four traumatic miscarriages before going on to have three healthy babies in quick session. Never did I think this would be possible.


My complicated pregnancy history meant I had to have CVS procedures for each of my three successful pregnancies. These were carried out at Kings College Hospital London, an excellent specialist hospital which helped me through the whole of my pregnancy journey good and bad.


The reason I reminisce on all of this is because despite the harrowing road I have travelled to get my three children I still have moments when I'm so stressed out with motherhood, my relationship with my OH, family members, people, the world, my life. I have days when I wallow in self pity, and I feel completely ungrateful, especially for not embracing this beautiful gift that is motherhood. My goodness there were days I would cry and worry and resign myself to the fact that I would never have a child of my own.


There were moments I would long for just one baby, and here I am blessed with three and wallowing in the stress of it all. Wasting days feeling sorry for myself when I should be rejoicing EVERYDAY for the miracles that have been bestowed upon me.

I lost an ovary during my third unsuccessful pregnancy. The pregnancy in which I lost a little boy at 20 weeks. At that point I thought I was doomed. Could things get any worse? How on earth could I ever possibly have a baby when I had a genetic condition and only one ovary? But it is not for me to know how, because through God Almighty ALL things are POSSIBLE. I am testament to that.


No matter what you have been through or what you are going through, no matter how low you are, He can make a change. When I lost my baby I wanted to die, not to kill myself, but be free of the horrific emptiness that consumed me. I would look at the beautiful clouds above and long to be reunited with my son. I was 25 years old and in a terrible relationship that was about to end, I lost my baby and nearly lost all hope. Never in my life had I been so low. How did I get from that dark place, to where I am now? Three children who have a loving father and me a fiancé? Only by God's Grace.


I am writing this post because I am seeing things more clearly than I have for a long time. A few weeks ago I was in quite a tough place. I was feeling unsettled and dissatisfied with my lot, and then I had a life changing experience whilst at a church conference (something I will have to go into more detail in a future post). It has rejuvenated my passion for my faith.


Before this, I was slipping into a place I didn't belong. I was drifting away from Christ and getting complacent. I even found myself liking alcohol a little too much. It went from being something I'd enjoy in the evening every now and again with the OH, to something I was looking forward to whilst on my own. Not to get wasted, (those days are long gone) but to take the edge off the frustration and irritation I seemed to constantly feel. I wrongly believed my children to be the cause, but it was me and my inability to realise my blessings, give thanks for what I DO HAVE rather that what I DO NOT. I was not putting God and his Word first, my faith had waned and I was getting caught up with ego, pride and feelings of self pity. Well not any more. My eyes have been opened. I want to follow His Word and take my Christian life seriously. I am reading my Bible and I am praying for God to show me the purpose He has for my life. The Christian path is not an easy road and I am not perfect, but if I keep my eyes on Him and follow His word, the Holy Spirit will do the rest.


I think I'm going to stop there now. There is so much more I want to say, yet there is still so much more I must learn first. Here is a scripture I read over the weekend whilst having some quiet time. Just me and my Bible, I think it sums up where I am at right now.

But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.
Hebrews 11;6

Sshhh

Image from connortomas.com 

I have a confession. I'm not proud about it but I am the type of mum who Sshhh's her children quite a lot. 

It's not that I don't like them to play and make noise, it's just that there is only so much screaming, shouting, singing and banging I can handle before I start to feel like I am losing my mind. I often try to nip noise making in the bud because all too often it goes from happy and playful to crying and squabbling. It can be highly frustrating. 

I am finding that when we go out people seem to fall into two camps. Those that look on with disdain if your children are being loud, tantruming and generally running amok and those who embrace it as just kids being kids. I had an experience of the latter yesterday.

I was out with the children and my soon to be mum in law. We visited a lovely little church tea room and sat down for tea and cupcakes. When we arrived it was empty but slowly it began to fill with lovely old aged pensioners, no doubt meeting up to enjoy a quiet cuppa and a natter. It was at this moment my baby decides to practice his babbling skills. "Baba dada dada mama", he garbled at the top of his voice. Quickly my daughters joined in, adding a extra layer of volume to the ever increasing din.

"Ssshhh, sssh, sssh" I hissed, worried what the room of people mostly in their 80's must have been thinking. Then out of nowhere an elderly lady stopped me in my tracks and set about telling me; "Leave them, their singing". "They've got voices, let them sing" she turned to the children "Go on use your voices." 

I felt ashamed, because what the lovely old lady said was true. They really weren't doing any harm and kids will be kids.I think there is a fine line between letting your children express themselves and letting them run wild, but sometimes I think I am forever trying to keep my children in line because I don't want anyone else to do it for me. I don't want anyone to think badly of my children or their dad and I so I try to raise them to be mindful of others and be well behaved in public. Maybe I've been taking it a bit too far and need to relax a little, after all they don't stay small for long and if a couple of 80 year olds can put up with a bit of a din then I'm sure I can. 

Have you learnt anything about yourself lately through someone else's actions?

Too fast

Image from notonthehighstreet.com

My little boy is pulling himself up and standing lots, he never seems to want to sit down .

He will be walking before we know it. My nephew started walking at nine months and I think my boy is on track to do the same.

Maybe it's because he's my youngest but he seems to be reaching these milestones so fast.

My baby has all but gone...*sigh*

Be happy

I've been inspired by a project that Kate, at the 'Kate takes 5' blog has been mulling over. She questions the concept of happiness, and what really makes people happy. She reaches the conclusion that asking your children what makes them happy produces the best results. Thus the 'happiness project' was born .

Kate has decided to run a blog hop, so all the wise responses can be pulled together into a big smiley rainbow of happiness. I asked my girls and kind of guessed for my baby boy, but I'm sure if he could talk he'd agree lol. Their answers made me laugh out loud and grin from ear to ear.....

My eldest
Ice cream & lollipops

My middle child

Orange squash & beans

My baby

Crackers, fruit purée and silly faces

 Just goes to show that happiness is very easy to achieve....when you're a child at least.
 

If you want to join in just click here to find out more. Be happy!!

Two teeth

I'm loving this wooden heart teether.
Image from thehipstermom.com 

My little boy finally has two little bits of white teeth poking through his gums. I can't believe it.

Despite being the mother of not one, not two, but three children, it never ceases to amaze me how quickly time flies.

Each one of my children seems to have passed the 'baby, baby' stage in the blink of an eye. I know they are still very young (four, two and a half and seven months) and we have plenty more years of child rearing ahead of us, but sometimes I want time to slow down, it feels like everything is happening way too quickly.Yes, day to day can be a struggle sometimes, but in the grand scheme of things these moments feel far too short.

My son has started crawling too. He drags himself across the floor kamikaze style. Little knees working, bottom in the air. He is so cute.

My middle daughter has already grasped the concept of boredom at the ripe old age of two and a half.... and my eldest daughter starts school this year.

We have certainly got our hands full for now, but soon they will be completely independent of us, and will no longer need our numerous cuddles and kisses throughout each day. Time NEVER stays still.

Time to deliver some more cuddles and kisses I think....

Pizza for brunch in bed

Image from vouchermum.com

We have no hot water, heating or means of cooking. There is  thick frost on the ground and all five of us are huddled in our bedroom with only a fan heater for warmth.

It all started yesterday when the better half complained of a headache. I though it might be his lack of fluid intake. Especially since he'd played football the evening before without drinking enough water - something he does a lot.

Anyway I had a lot of plans for Saturday, but that all went out of the window because he felt so ill. At first I thought it might be a dose of typical 'man sickness', but even after two paracetamol (he hates taking medication, so it had to be bad) and all day in bed without any interruption from me or the kids, he still wasn't himself.

I carried on with the day keeping the children entertained, baking cakes, drawing, making dinner, watching TV. It was very pleasant.

Then at about 7pm, as baby was falling asleep in my arms I started to feel strange. I got up to put baby in his cot and the room started spinning. I brushed it off to maybe getting up too quickly, but even after putting baby down the room continued to spin, so much so I thought I would throw up and faint.

What was going on?

Then I had a thought. We have been experiencing issues with the boiler the whole time we've been living in this house. This is despite it being a new build. Gas leaks, water leaks, numerous replacements of parts on and on...

I started to panic. What if it was carbon monoxide poisoning. I opened the windows and looked up the symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning online, and the results seemed to confirm my fears, so not wanting to take any risks with something so serious, I called the gas emergency hotline and an engineer came out. He said because of our symptoms (thankfully the children seemed OK) he would have to cut off the gas at the mains.

The better half and I woke up this morning and we both feel a million times better, I'm not sure if it is because the gas was cut off or simply because we got some sleep. I don't think my mind will allow me to think the worst.

All I know is that currently the whole house is freezing except for our bedroom. But it is better to be freezing and alive than the alternative.

And anyway an engineer is on the way, and despite it being Sunday and roast dinner day, we are embracing our situation and ordering pizza for brunch in bed. The children are super excited. Needs must...............

Embracing where you're at

Image from mysearchadvisor.com

I've been thinking, how can I learn to cope with this never ending lack of sleep I am experiencing?

I have reached the conclusion I have to just embrace it, and the more I think about it the more it makes sense. If we surrender ourselves to our situation, no matter how dire, we will always make it out to the other side. Eveything in this life is temporary, so we must learn to take the rough with the smooth and ride out the storms.

So this morning, armed with my newfound resolve I decided to push through my extreme fatigue, (compounded by yet another night of very poor quality sleep), and attempt to get things done.

After waking up and making breakfast for the children, I went into machine mode and blitzed the house from top to bottom, hoovering, dusting, laundry, dish washing, you name it, I did it. And, may I add, this was all achieved before 12pm. Very impressive for me, especially since baby was crying his head off the whole time. I had to keep stopping to try and calm him down, only for him to flip out as soon as I left his side. He is definitely at the separation anxiety stage that babies go through. Oh joy.

I am finding that if I get up and 'do', rather than sit down and 'don't', I feel a lot better.  Despite the awful sense of weariness, if I accomplish something that I can see, like a clean house, I feel better for it and strangely energized.

Before my blitz I scoured the Internet looking for tips on how to survive on little sleep and came across these golden nuggets of information on ehow.com.

Maybe you or someone you know is experiencing lack of sleep. These tips, although seemingly obvious, could provide some much needed comfort. They have for me.

How to survive on little sleep

During the day

1. Snack on protein, such as tuna fish, to give you an energy boost.
2. Exercise. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but taking a brisk walk around the block may help you if you're feeling sluggish.
3. Catch a catnap during the day, but no longer than 10 to 15 minutes. Any longer than that and you'll feel worse off, and you may have trouble falling asleep at bedtime.
4. "Nap when your baby naps" only if you are getting up every few hours for feedings. Once the child is sleeping through the night, you should too.

At Night

1. Give yourself time to wind down in the evening. The temptation is to use those evening hours to do everything you couldn't get done during the day, which revs you up again.
2. Drink a little chamomile tea and honey, which are natural sedatives, and eat a small snack of low-fat carbs, such as toast with jelly, before you go to bed.
3. Sleep the same amount every night, even if it's only six hours. Regular sleeping habits are just as important as the length of time that we sleep.
4. Keep your room cool and dark so that you can fall asleep quickly.
5. Sleep in an hour later on the weekends if you're able, but no longer than that or it will really mess with your internal clock.
6. Try for a half-hour to fall asleep. If you haven't fallen asleep by then, get out of bed and do something else. When you feel drowsy, try to sleep again.

Tips & warnings

1. Avoid nicotine and caffeine
2. Avoid exercising too close to bedtime. You should try to exercise during the day (morning is best) and no later than three hours before you go to bed.
3. Avoid pharmaceutical sleeping aids, which can turn into a bigger problem for you.
4. Avoid big meals before bedtime, which may actually wake you up.

  

Mad busy

This should help me to unwind - image from Basehead 

There are not enough hours in the day.

My last few posts have followed a similar vein, I'm not sure what is going on but it is so frustrating. I am so FRUSTRATED.

It can't help that I'm quite impatient. Everything needs to be done now, immediately. This INSTANT. I've got a million things to do and the time is always running away from me.

Take yesterday for example.

Day starts. Feed the children, wash the children, dress the children, entertain the children, soothe crying baby.

Housework. Make up the beds, load the dishwasher, do the laundry, hoover up, soothe crying baby. Put away the laundry, tidy up, tidy up again, then tidy up some more, referee a squabble, make lunch, eat lunch, make bottles, change nappies, soothe crying baby.

Debate whether to go out. Shocking weather, decide not to go out. Reason with defiant toddler, discipline defiant toddler, respond to the question 'Why?' from an inquisitive 4 year old for the millionth time, make dinner, eat dinner, children brush teeth, read children story, children say prayers, soothe crying baby, children to bed.

Carry out research online for blog, write blog, think of ways to promote blog, blog, blog, blog, blog...by this time it's usually past midnight!!!

I'm working myself into a frenzy here. There is too much to do, I need to slow down, but I don't want to. Not really. I am enjoying the freedom that writing brings, but with three small children it's a juggling act.

Got to push through. I can do this!