My complicated pregnancy history meant I had to have CVS procedures for each of my three successful pregnancies. These were carried out at Kings College Hospital London, an excellent specialist hospital which helped me through the whole of my pregnancy journey good and bad.
The reason I reminisce on all of this is because despite the harrowing road I have travelled to get my three children I still have moments when I'm so stressed out with motherhood, my relationship with my OH, family members, people, the world, my life. I have days when I wallow in self pity, and I feel completely ungrateful, especially for not embracing this beautiful gift that is motherhood. My goodness there were days I would cry and worry and resign myself to the fact that I would never have a child of my own.
There were moments I would long for just one baby, and here I am blessed with three and wallowing in the stress of it all. Wasting days feeling sorry for myself when I should be rejoicing EVERYDAY for the miracles that have been bestowed upon me.
I lost an ovary during my third unsuccessful pregnancy. The pregnancy in which I lost a little boy at 20 weeks. At that point I thought I was doomed. Could things get any worse? How on earth could I ever possibly have a baby when I had a genetic condition and only one ovary? But it is not for me to know how, because through God Almighty ALL things are POSSIBLE. I am testament to that.
No matter what you have been through or what you are going through, no matter how low you are, He can make a change. When I lost my baby I wanted to die, not to kill myself, but be free of the horrific emptiness that consumed me. I would look at the beautiful clouds above and long to be reunited with my son. I was 25 years old and in a terrible relationship that was about to end, I lost my baby and nearly lost all hope. Never in my life had I been so low. How did I get from that dark place, to where I am now? Three children who have a loving father and me a fiancé? Only by God's Grace.
I am writing this post because I am seeing things more clearly than I have for a long time. A few weeks ago I was in quite a tough place. I was feeling unsettled and dissatisfied with my lot, and then I had a life changing experience whilst at a church conference (something I will have to go into more detail in a future post). It has rejuvenated my passion for my faith.
Before this, I was slipping into a place I didn't belong. I was drifting away from Christ and getting complacent. I even found myself liking alcohol a little too much. It went from being something I'd enjoy in the evening every now and again with the OH, to something I was looking forward to whilst on my own. Not to get wasted, (those days are long gone) but to take the edge off the frustration and irritation I seemed to constantly feel. I wrongly believed my children to be the cause, but it was me and my inability to realise my blessings, give thanks for what I DO HAVE rather that what I DO NOT. I was not putting God and his Word first, my faith had waned and I was getting caught up with ego, pride and feelings of self pity. Well not any more. My eyes have been opened. I want to follow His Word and take my Christian life seriously. I am reading my Bible and I am praying for God to show me the purpose He has for my life. The Christian path is not an easy road and I am not perfect, but if I keep my eyes on Him and follow His word, the Holy Spirit will do the rest.
I think I'm going to stop there now. There is so much more I want to say, yet there is still so much more I must learn first. Here is a scripture I read over the weekend whilst having some quiet time. Just me and my Bible, I think it sums up where I am at right now.
But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.