|Image from thedoublethink.com|
It's not that I don't want to be at home with my children, because I do. What I worry about is my increasing lack of identity and the financial implications.
I've worked since I was 16 - part time jobs when I was in the sixth form and university, then full time once I graduated. For 16 years I've earned my own money and paid my own way, so not having a salary going into my account at the end of every month is giving me the jitters.
I had an OK redundancy package and I know how to spend and save in equal measure so that helps a lot. But I can't help feeling stressed that I will have to depend on my fiance for all things money orientated. I know our current situation will not last for ever, but it's still hard to adjust to all the same.
When I am asked what my occupation is, the reply leaves me feeling flat - 'unemployed, stay at home mum'. The look on the face of the person who has asked always seems to be that of complete nonchalance. They really couldn't care less about this all consuming job I am undertaking.
I've been so used to responding with the words; 'Account manager, Advertising Manager, Marketing Executive' over the years, I used to feel a sense of pride when sharing these titles, even though the work was less than desirable at times. Now here I am doing the most important job in the world ever, and I am embarrassed by the title associated.
What is going on?
I know how I'm feeling is everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else, but I can't help but think that society places very little importance or value on stay at home parents and I often feel reluctant to declare that this is who I am right now. These days I am trying my hardest to dip my toes into as many different little projects as possible, to give myself a variety of things to focus on and keep my brain stimulated.
Starting this blog has been one of the best things I have done. The possibilities are endless and the fact that I am able to pour my thoughts, be as creative as I want and meet fabulous people all at the same time, is the icing on the cake. It is exactly what I have been looking for, for so long. Cyber space rocks!
So onwards and upwards I suppose. I'm sure that in time I'll find a way to earn a living and look after my children. Already there are so many little things in the pipeline that leave me thoroughly excited just thinking about them.
And of course there are my three wonderful little bubba's who make each and every day worthwhile. I'm so blessed to be a mother, but it's sad that I sometimes take for granted how privileged I am to be able to be at home with my little ones in their formative years.
Note to self - I must be more thankful for what I have and not stress about what I have not...
What things are you adapting to lately?